Why Not Me?

My heart is still unhealed from the pain he caused me. The sorrow, the sadness, the feeling I get every time I see him. As if a knife had stabbed me in the heart. His warm smile, his cheerful laugh, the way his big brown eyes twinkle when he laughs, the way his lips curve up when he smiles, the way he talks, whatever he does makes me notice him even more. I never had a chance to tell him how I feel about him but it will always last in my heart forever. The way he talks to other girls and pretending I wasn’t even there. The way he never glances over at me. I feel so depressed. I feel that the whole world has come crashing down on me like someone has punched my stomach so hard.

We were once best friends in 7th grade and now we are nothing but plain old schoolmates. We would laugh with each other, talk about stuff that were so off topic like what we did on the weekend or what the weather was going to be like or who we liked. But now we don’t even glance to each other when we pass the halls as we go to our classes. I never thought I could live without seeing him each day but now I feel like I will die because I see him every day. There’s no one in the world that can take his place in my heart. As I see him walk down the hall, my heart races so fast, it felt like it would pop out any second, just to wait for him to say a hi to me. But all he does is pass by me and waves to his other friends. I feel so crushed. I feel that I would never be able to be myself again.

“Why does he have such a big effect on me?” I ask myself all the time. As I walk the busy, noisy, locker filled hallways I wish he were walking next to me. I knew I could never be the girl of his dreams but I wish I was. He flirts with girls that are pretty, who has skinny slender bodies, long smooth legs, and girls who are shorter than him. I know that I am nothing like that and not anything close to his dreams but I really wish he was mine. I never thought there would be a day that my heart would heal from the pain it caused me just looking at him. I knew we could never be together but just getting him to say hi to me would be for me to die for. I never trusted anyone with the secret that I loved him. I always felt unsafe telling my friends what my true feeling him were, for they would laugh at me for feeling that way. I still dream of the day that I would wait for him to realize I was really there, and for the day I would get the courage to say those three words to him. “I love you……”